It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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