I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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