The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
