It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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