It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize