It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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