just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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