How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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