i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
