She's like a pop up book from hell.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize