i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i barfeds in our rink
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I FOUND THE LEGS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
