if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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