i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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