I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
