i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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