My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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