you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
