So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
