Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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