Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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