My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
