Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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