a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We talked him into tasing himself.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
