I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
