the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
