hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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