If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
