You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
