i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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