don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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