Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize