I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
