You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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