hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
