did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
