good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
