When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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