All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
