There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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