weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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