I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
