At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
