Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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