I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
