apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize