She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
