super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
