So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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