shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i love accidental penises.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
