i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize