I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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