I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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