NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Too much gin, very little bucket
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
