i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
