I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
